“Grief Etiquette 101”

A Golden Opportunity

When death occurs, we can console the bereaved…or not. At funeral homes and churches, we can give genuine comfort to the family. We can also offer well-meaning but misguided attempts to help.

John Wesley told the Methodists, “First, do no harm.” If you can’t improve a bad situation, at least don’t make it worse.

Proverbs 17:28 (NIV) supports this idea: “Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.”

The Bible says Job’s friends heard about his horrific loss of family, possessions, and health. At first, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar came and sat with Job silently for a whole week (Job 2:11-13). But they ruined everything when they opened their mouths and tried to explain his suffering.

Three Sayings to Avoid

Some cliches should join dinosaurs in extinction:

1. “God needed him/her more.”

(When did you become an expert on what God needs? Are you in effect blaming the bereaved, saying that if only they’d needed their loved one a little more, God would’ve called someone else home?)

2. “God needed another angel.”

(Where does the Bible say dead people turn into angels rather than spend eternity as resurrected humans? Angels are created beings who serve as God’s messengers. If God truly needs more help, why not just make another angel instead of taking somebody’s family member?)

3. “I know how you feel.”

(How can you know for sure? Only God can see inside the heart. Even if you’ve also lost a parent/spouse/child, another person’s situation and family dynamics are different from yours.)

Three Better Responses

It’s highly unlikely we’ll go wrong here:

1. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

(The deceased will be missed, even if they were elderly or died after a long illness.)

2. “You’re in my prayers.”

(We’re most open to God’s presence when our world is knocked upside down.)

3. Give a hug, squeeze their hand, or sit quietly.

(Job’s friends provided a great ministry of presence…until they tried to explain his misery.)

What helpful or unhelpful responses would you add to the conversation?

         

David