“Does Transparency Cure Loneliness For Ministers?”
Pastor Jim Putman's Conclusion
I agree with several things Jim Putman said in “RE: Missioning Your Leadership.” But his conclusion visibly upset me. See the four-minute clip at http://vimeo.com/75515117.
Jim Putman was one of four founding families and is now senior
pastor of Real Life Ministries in Post Falls, Idaho. Today he oversees 7,000+ in
worship. About 90% of his church is in a small group.
Putman hardwired accountability into this church’s DNA. He didn’t
climb up Niagara Falls to introduce transparency to a long-established church.
Jim Putman seems to suggest the loneliness I felt in 17 years of ministry was all my fault. His conclusion: if I’d regularly confessed my struggles, church members would have rallied around me and ended my isolation.
Really?
It's Not That Simple
I agree with Putman that leaders need accountability. Pastors need a safe place to confess sins like everyone else. But I strongly disagree that the reluctance to admit one's weaknesses is the (one and only) reason why loneliness is a big problem among clergy.
In one church, I was in an Emmaus reunion group that included some of my parishioners. I shared a few sensitive struggles with them that I didn't tell anyone else besides my wife. But as great a support as those brothers in Christ were, that didn't cure my loneliness as a pastor.
In each church I tended to let my guard down with a few key church leaders. Those men and women were always supportive. Yet their care and concern didn't cure my loneliness.
I inferred from Putman's conclusion that the remedy for loneliness among ministers is transparency. But it’s not that simple.
In one church, I was in an Emmaus reunion group that included some of my parishioners. I shared a few sensitive struggles with them that I didn't tell anyone else besides my wife. But as great a support as those brothers in Christ were, that didn't cure my loneliness as a pastor.
In each church I tended to let my guard down with a few key church leaders. Those men and women were always supportive. Yet their care and concern didn't cure my loneliness.
I inferred from Putman's conclusion that the remedy for loneliness among ministers is transparency. But it’s not that simple.
How I Was Trained
It was drilled in my head to avoid the appearance of favoritism. At dinners and programs, others could sit with the same group if they wished, but I felt compelled to sit with somebody different each week. Yet trust is only built through repeated contact with the same people. It's a catch-22.
Seminars and books instruct ministers to set proper boundaries. This professional approach leads to many acquaintances, but few close friends.
When members invited me to a ballgame, I was still in the role of pastor. Favoritism, boundaries, and confidentiality remained in the mix. What about friendships outside my congregation? If they had a church, I wasn’t their minister, but they still saw me as one. The friendship playing field was never level.
When members invited me to a ballgame, I was still in the role of pastor. Favoritism, boundaries, and confidentiality remained in the mix. What about friendships outside my congregation? If they had a church, I wasn’t their minister, but they still saw me as one. The friendship playing field was never level.
With pastor friends, busy schedules hinder frequent socialization. When a certain trust level is finally reached, either you or your nearby preacher friend could move. Long distance just isn’t the same as face time.
Besides family, who’s left?
Pastors can get fired if they breach confidentiality. But if a congregant reveals personal information about the minister, will their membership be terminated? No. If my job is on the line, I’m not exposing my true self to just anybody. Preachers must be extra careful who they tell if they're fighting a losing battle with depression, alcohol, pornography, anger, or marital strife.
Awareness of this practical reality tempered the extent of my candor more than once. I never wanted to have I Timothy 3:5 thrown in my face. “If anyone does not know how to manage his own family [including himself], how can he take care of God’s church?” (NIV).
Awareness of this practical reality tempered the extent of my candor more than once. I never wanted to have I Timothy 3:5 thrown in my face. “If anyone does not know how to manage his own family [including himself], how can he take care of God’s church?” (NIV).
Preachers are often lonely. But don’t blame it all on their reluctance to take a one-sided risk. Too many other factors are involved.
That's my conclusion. What do you think?
That's my conclusion. What do you think?
David
I agree with you, David. Loneliness is a complex emotion and there's no simple way to address it. To place blame on the lonely person only piles guilt on top of the loneliness. I struggle with loneliness but I can't begin to imagine the pressure on the clergy. I pray for my pastor often but I never thought of this issue. I will add it to my prayers. Thanks for opening my eyes!
ReplyDeleteSherry, I'm glad this was helpful. Church members can't be fired or asked to move like preachers can. Sometimes confidentiality prevents the minister from sharing the hurt that was caused by another congregant. If Jane Doe deeply offends me or my wife or child, who can I share that with without violating confidentiality between me and Jane Doe? That's a difficult line to walk. Your pastor will appreciate your increased understanding, so I'm glad I could help.
DeleteFYI: I wasn't trying to be sexist in saying "Jane Doe." John Doe is also capable of attacking the minister and inflicting painful wounds.
DeleteCouple of comments: First, it's because our "pastors" today try to be teachers of the masses rather than shepherds of disciples that they are confronted with being left out on the islands they are. Too many expectations from too many, and not enough closeness with too few. Second, we have summarily removed the place God gave us for intimate confession from the church by making it all about grace, ignoring its command, and reducing it to 5-10 minutes of "meaningless repetition at the end of church services. That would be Communion. Without that we have turned to pastors and therapists to do what we should be doing amongst ourselves. For more on this see my book, The Lost Supper on Amazon.com.
DeleteMike, you're right that the current church system has made it possible for loneliness to be so common. My business background taught me this: "Your system is perfectly designed to produce the results you are getting." This applies to the church. Like you said, too many expectations from too many, and not enough closeness with too few, leaves pastors out on a relational island. I haven't yet read your book The Lost Supper, but I suspect it states that "trust" is a 2-way street. It's not just preachers who need to be honest and accountable, but everyone else too. I remember hearing a bishop say, "I visit a different church every week. But it's always the same thing. Aunt Sally has the flu. My friend Fred is having knee surgery. Just once, I wished someone would say, 'I have a drinking problem, and I need your help.'" We don't share our biggest needs because we fear the fallout, whether one is in the pulpit or in the pew.
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